10 Ways to Avoid Bears (When Camping)

I just finished reading an interesting article by Miss T on her blog Prairie Eco Thrifter titled “10 Ways to Avoid Bears When Camping.”  (No, don’t ask me what I was doing there.  I’m not sure myself).  Now, I’m pretty sure the author was referring to the big cuddly mammals that frequent Canada and the United States. But I couldn’t help noticing how appropriate the advice was (particularly when you took out the ‘when camping’ part) when applied to the bears that I encounter frequently ie; those that follow the sharemarket and whose glass is perpetually half empty.

I’ve taken Miss T’s 10 tips to avoid the large hairy, honey loving animals and then added my comments to show how relevant her tips are when applied to our perpetually pessimistic stock market friends.  Let me know what you think.

1. Avoid traditional bear feeding areas. In Sydney, The Chophouse, China Doll, Spice Temple and Cafe Sydney should still be okay.  Brooklyn Grill at the Brooklyn hotel is dangerous.  Bears have been known to sneak in here disguised as bulls and only shown their their true colours once they have you cornered.  RSL bistros should be avoided altogether.  Bears are saving their money for the impending recession / depression and this makes these sorts of venues very popular hangouts.

2. Avoid camp locations where bears have been known to roam in the past.  Not sure about this one.  The campest location I know is Oxford Street in Darlinghurst.  I am yet to spot a bear there.  In fact I never seen any negativity when I’ve been there.  I’d go so far to suggest that the mood of these locations is up-beat, exultant and enthusiastic.  Full of joie de vivre.  Some may even say gay.  Maybe we should start feeding the bears disco cookies!

3. Avoid camping where you may have trouble seeing a bear through vegetation. Don’t know about the camping part but you will have trouble seeing bears through vegetation.  As mentioned in point 1, they are saving their money for the apocalypse.  Most of them have stopped shaving and will have grown beards rendering them unrecognisable.  Even the women.

4. Watch where you hike. I’d suggest not hiking at all.  A huge proportion of hikers are bears.  They will have the last laugh when oil hits $900 a barrel and nobody can afford to drive their cars anymore.  Us Bulls will be fat and unfit and unable to keep up.  They will be power walking past us in their Timberlands with that “I told you so” smirk on their faces.  Or so their story goes.

5. Never feed wild bears. Occasionally you may feel sorry for your continuously depressed bear friends and be tempted to shout them to lunch.  Don’t!  They know there is a massive Global Depression just around the corner.  Consequently they have been existing on organic mung beans for some time so their bodies wont’ have trouble adjusting when we all have to forage for our food in the very near future. This doesn’t mean they won’t bludge the occasional steak off you given the chance.  But you won’t enjoy it.  Misery loves company.

6. Store your food in a cooler which is locked in the car. Actually, store all your valuables in your car.  It has been so long since any of these depressing bastards have driven a car (remember oil will soon be at $900) they would struggle to recognise one.  Let alone remember how to get into one.

7. Like most animals, bears are attracted to garbage so make sure your campsite is very clean.  This is a horribly vicious circle.  Bears are attracted to garbage. They buy these stocks  because they are cheap.  Then the share price goes down.  Because it was garbage to start with.  But this just confirms their premise that we are in a bear market.

8. Remember that behind every cute baby bear is a very overprotective bear mother!  Dont’ be too harsh on them.  Bearism  is obviously genetic.  But through some quirk of medical science, it is also contagious.  Feel sorry for them by all means.  Just do it at a distance.

9. Stop fishing when bears are present. I don’t know about you guys but I go fishing to relax.  The last thing I want is to have some overly negative, the-world-is-coming-to-an-end wanker moaning in my ear while I’m trying to chill out.  Pack up your tackle immediately.  You may as well be back at work.

10. The minimum safe distance from a bear is 50-100 yards. This may or may not be true.  I’d suggest the minimum safe distance from a bear is out of earshot.  If you can hear them, walk away until you can’t.  If they approach you, don’t be afraid to run.  But don’t forget, they are fitter than you because of all that frickin hiking.

Well there you go.  10 helpful tips on avoiding bears from Miss T and myself.  Stay safe!

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